Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Wednesday Words: Eye, Eye

wednesdaywords copy Glasses, glasses 

So, yesterday I had a fun afternoon at the opticians. I know, I just said fun and opticians in the same sentence. But I am actually being serious. It's never a dull moment when I'm around.

Before the appointment we decided to pop into a few shops and kill time as we were a bit early. In Dorothy Perkins I found a beautiful leopard print dress (they never do the best stuff in tall) which I tried on, promptly fell in serious love with (mmm, leopard print, big flippy skirt and it's only £18... but not in tall. Bum.) and skipped around in front of the mirror in just the dress and my, erm, socks. In the end, after much deliberation I decided to put the dress down and tweet up Dorothy Perkins when I got home to request the dress in tall. While perusing the sale rail I heard a loud "RACH!!!!" from the front of the shop. I turned around, called out, "Oh, hiya!" only to realise the woman was actually shouting to the girl behind the till. Whilst the other shop assistant opposite me had a delicate laugh to herself, and I joked that it sucked to have the same name, I blushed, and laughed away to myself before making a swift exit.

After crossing over to visit the optician, I went in, gave my name and sat down. I did the usual stuff, talked about my eyesight and went into a room to have photos of my eyes taken. "Open your eye a little more," the lady asks me while I widen my pupils a little. "Now I'll take a photo of your other eye as you have two." I ended up laughing and had to control myself a little. After the impromptu photo op I went in for the main test. Which proved to be one of the funniest experiences of my life.

Upon entering the room, I sat down and discussed how many migraines I'd been having lately (short answer: LOADS. How I actually feel about all the migraines I've been suffering over the past six months: ANNOYED and MYSTIFIED) before having the letters test with one eye covered up. After reading out what I was about 80% sure were the right letters. I looked at the board and burst out laughing. I was completely wrong! I'm certain the optician thought I was certifable... After then having a go at the OXO board and completely rocking it (how hard is the OXO board, people? Not very!) I put on the geek specs and tried out a variety of lenses and calling out which lens was the best out of the two. All fairly easy activity and not too taxing. Well, I thought, I've not embarrassed myself too much so far... Then came the gun.

"I'm going to do the air pressure test next," the optician says. "It's just a short puff of air." She produces a gun which looked just like the guns the police use when checking motorists out for speeding! I was going at 0mph, so no chance of a speeding ticket today, thanks. "Focus on the dot please," the optician says as she points the gun directly at my eye. I can see the green dot jumping around as the optician lady is getting the gun in position. Then the next thing I hear is a loud WHOOOOOOOSH and a puff of air shoots my eye. I jump and burst out laughing, hysterically, and laugh. "Oh! I'm sorry!" I say, "I didn't quite expect it to happen like that!" "That's alright," the optician says, "I'll do the other eye next." I steel myself, waiting for the whoosh and the air. And, of course... I jump. Again. And laugh twice as hard. The optician thankfully is lovely and laughs with me. I'm pretty sure that was with and not at me, either way, I've done plenty of really embarrassing things in my past that I now have no fear, or shame...

After some more tests (microscope and lights) I'm advised to wear my glasses more. Which I don't do that often. Oops. Thankfully I don't need new glasses at this point. (Gladly - I paid a fair whack for my glasses last year and I don't particularly feel like doing it again, at least, not until another year or so...) "But there's just one more thing," the optician says, "If you don't mind, we want to do a glaucoma screening because of your migraines." After thanking the lady I'm lead into another room with a big dome and a computer. The young girl sits me down, asks me to put an eye patch on and then asks me to rest my chin on the plastic chin rest, while looking straight at the big green circle inside the dome and to click a button on a remote control whenever I see a dot. Easy enough, although my reaction times are something quite shocking.

She never told me it had started - I'd missed five dots before realising. Oh dear. After trying again, I got stuck into clicking the dots. It was fun for about a minute. Then another minute passed. Still clicking dots. Even clicking when there wasn't dots. Or was there? Oh, I don't know. After five minutes the young girl asks me if I'd like a short break. I'm so thankful to sit up for a few minutes and not have to click anything! When I get back to the test I realise I have to do it for the other eye in a few minutes time. Fail.

The test ended, finally, after five minutes in total. I then repeat the test perfectly for my left eye and it goes by so quickly I'm thrilled. FREEDOM! The girl is busy clicking at her computer. "Um, you don't mind repeating the test again for your right eye, do you? I think the computer crashed and that's why it took so long." Oh. Okay then. You'll be glad to know that both eyes look normal (well, I've not been told any different yet so I'm pretty hopeful) and the computer didn't crash the second time.

I resist the temptation to hit my head against the desk, and try again. I never knew eye tests could be so taxing until I left the shop, £20 lighter, desperate for some fresh air and a cold drink. Thank God for lemonade, that's all I'll say.

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Wednesday Words is my new attempt at writing a little bit every Wednesday, documenting untold stories from my life and some of my own personal embarrassing moments.

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